"Without You"

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In 2006, Anthony Rapp came out with his first ever novel titled Without You: a Memoir of Love, Loss, and the Musical Rent. Rapp starts the book by remembering the day he auditioned for a workshop for the musical Rent. He mentioned that he was running late that day due to being at a Memorial Service for his Bill. He described the feeling of being late for his audition and rushing to the New York Theatre Workshop on his roller-skates. “...glanced at my watch: no way was I going to be on time for my audition...I raced to get my shoes off and my skates and helmet of, and launched myself into traffic, my skates gliding and buzzing, my arms pumping, my breath quickening, my skin relishing the balmy autumnal breeze that flowed around me.” When he got to his audition, he went in, gave his music to the pianist, Tim (who directed the band for the workshop, off-broadway, and broadway performances of Rent), and went to center stage to perform his audition piece. And while he sang R.E.M.’s “Losing My Religion”, he felt right where he belonged. “I loved

Song Rapp sang for his audition
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the way the song felt in my voice, right in the pocket, so I wasn’t straining to hit any notes; I was just soaring on the melody and pouring myself into it...as I sang, my arms splayed out to my sides, my chest full.” Once he was finished with his audition, the director, Michael Greif, introduced him to Jonathan Larson, who created Rent, and immediately gave him a tape of a song from the musical to perform for his callback. Rapp was thrilled and began memorizing the song. He came back to the theatre a few days later and sang the song for them twice. The next day, he got the role. This was the day that marked a change in Anthony’s life. He worked and performed the show for four weeks and met Daphne Rubin-Vega who also reprised her role as Mimi Marquez when Rent performed off-broadway which ended up being sent to the Nederlander Theatre on Broadway. 

The beginning of Rent was the beginning of a new era for Anthony Rapp, not only with his career, but also in his personal life. In his memoir, he goes into depth about his mother’s impending illness (a tumor that she named Wild Bill), his relationship with his then boyfriend Todd, Jonathan Larson’s sudden death, and performing Rent. 

Through the years that he cover in his book, the emotion undeniably there. When Larson asked Rapp to reprise his role as Mark Cohen, there was no doubt in his mind when he says yes. Rapp constantly mentioned how much he loved this role and how grateful he was to have the chance to play Mark more than once. His only regret was not being able to say thank you to the person who gave him these opportunities, Jonathan Larson. Jonathan and Anthony had formed a friendship over the year from when they first met. Anthony even invited Jonathan to his birthday party. 

Larson had passed away on January 25, 1996 from an aortic aneurysm, which, if it had been diagnosed properly to begin with, could have been treated and could have saved his life. Rapp described that day wholeheartedly. He described how he felt so empty and was unable to cry until he made it to the theatre, where he saw Daphne. “...we both rushed into each other’s arms, and that’s when at last I started to cry, pressing Daphne to me… It was as if I’d been waiting for her embrace to allow me to unleash my sadness…” Everyone was sad and angry about his death. 

That day, they decided to have a closed theatre of just Jonathan’s family and friend as the cast just sang the songs he had written, realizing how oddly perfect they fit the situation.

Rapp's Family
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Rapp’s mother’s illness took a huge toll on him and it eventually lead to him getting very angry all the time. He was having constant fights with his then boyfriend Todd about they way Anthony had been acting and treating their relationship and it got even worse after Rapp’s mother eventually passed away. With the way he bottled everything up inside of himself, Rapp one day, just before a showing of Rent on Jesse Martin’s (Tom Collins) last performance, got in a heated argument with Todd which lead to him storming off and Rapp, consumed with grief and not wanting their relationship to end, exploded in anger and sadness. He describes how he kept hitting him which seemed more out of sadness than in anger. Jesse and Norbert [Adam Pascal’s (Roger) understudy] eventually got Rapp away from Todd. The stage manager, Adam, and Jesse helped him through that brief moment of insanity and got him back on his feet. Him and Todd made up and Rapp started going to counseling in order to help him deal with everything that was going on in his life. 

The way the book was written gave the reader not only insight into his life during that time,  but also into his past. For example, he talked about coming to terms with his sexuality in a way that helped us also understand the conflict that he and his mom had previously had about it. It also gave us context to when, many months before her death, she told her son that she accepted him for who he was and that it was okay to talk to her about relationships he was in.

What You Own
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At the end of the book, Rapp summarized his life from when he took his last bow to when he finished writing his memoir. He and Todd had broken up, but were on good terms, and he was in a relationship with a man named Rodney, and that they were talking about adopting. He reprised his role at West End with Adam Pascal, Jesse Martin, and Wilson Jeramine Heredia (Angel). And overall his life was good, even if the loss of his mom still haunted him so many years later.

But the finale didn’t end there. He described the day he filmed the scene where he was walking in the street, singing “What You Own” (a song Jonathan Larson had added into the musical after the workshop. He had written the song specifically for Anthony). This was Rapp’s favorite song of the whole show and he was so thrilled to be able to reprise his role of Mark Cohen once again, but this time, it was for the whole world to see in theatres.

Rapp, Anthony. (2006). Without You: A Memior of Love, Loss, and the Musical Rent. New York, NY: Simon and Schuster Paperbacks.

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